I feel I have left myself. I have become a bump on a log, barely hanging on as life rushes by. My daily activities revolve around unsuccessfully trying to keep the house clean and the babies happy, with no intellectual stimulation or physical challenges. The woman I envisioned becoming has slipped away. Now, it is time for a returning.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my life. It is peaceful (mostly). I love my children. They are my light, my joy, and I want to spend every moment ensuring their happiness. The house is not so bad – I’m just feeling behind and overwhelmed because of Christmas.
But, I’m started to feel depressed and out of the loop. I don’t have a clue what is going on the world, all my reading materials recently have been second-rate, and I’m stiff and out of shape. Yikes, what a list ;) I was always a bit cynical about “New Years”, resolutions, starting afresh in the new year, etc. After all, every day is a chance to start anew. This year though, my real chance to start fresh happens to coincide fairly closely to the new year. It is the end of the holiday crazies, Tony is back at work today (I love having him home, and already miss it, but since we know in the back of our mind it’s temporary, our routine flies out the window, the kids become less disciplined, and the house goes gradually downhill… so in those ways, it will be nice to be back to normal), and I am ready to face the days ahead.
Now is my chance to return.
Physically, I have a game plan. I no longer have the ‘I just had a baby and am still recovering’ excuse, so it is time to start seriously exercising again. I will do a small workout inside every single day, with whichever child happens to be awake when I am thinking about as my weights. Also, on pretty days I will make sure we go outside and play, and take at least a short walk through the neighborhood. Of course, stretching will also help – that will be the beginning of each workout.
Mentally, I have a few things I’m going to start, and we’ll see from there. I will start reading the news, study up on the elections coming up, and put my mental map of the world back in order. I will be studying my Bible more faithfully and with greater diligence to spiritual and intellectual growth. I will try to center my discussions with others more around things of importance, and less around the trivialities of my babies. Oh, I’ll still talk plenty about my babies! But I’ll talk about other things too. I will treat myself to a nice slow browse through non-fiction – which I love - when I’m at the library, even if it means my babies get less playtime in the children’s section.
As for the restless, “I should be doing more with my life, what have I to show for my years?” midlife crisis sort of feeling I’ve been having… I will be praying, thinking, and considering. Right now my most important duties are to my children, loving them, being with them, guiding them, training them, and loving them more. But I will consider what I should be focusing on in those moments they don’t need me. After all, God did provide me with a brain capable of processing thoughts at a level higher than a two-year-old's intellect.
So I am looking forward to this year – and returning to myself.